Help Your Child Manage Back To School Stressors: A Nervous System and Connection Perspective
If ever an event to rouse your child’s nervous system, it’s returning to school. This annual life transition can bring up feelings ranging from happiness, relief, excitement and optimism, to ambivalence, fear, shame, anger, anxiety and depression. Whether your child is just starting or going back to school, it can be challenging as a caretaker to witness the less than positive reactions. But, learning to view your child’s school struggles through a nervous system and connection lens may provide context and solutions you hadn’t previously considered.
From preschool through elementary school and beyond, there’s more than meets the eye when it comes to making sense of your child’s behaviors. Sometimes we need to look deeper.
This blog post will discuss three common back to school reactions through a nervous system and connection perspective and talk about ways to move forward. When kids act out, including tantrums, it’s usually due to nervous system dysregulation; Your child may be emotionally flooded, making it challenging to self-regulate, rather than a planned rebellion. There could be a range of reasons for acting out, from sensory to concrete triggers. It may involve some detective work to identify, because your child may not be aware of the specific trigger. I encourage you to look deeper!
But First, a Nervous System Review
The autonomic nervous system is divided into the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS).
When our body is in a sympathetic response (freeze, flight, fight), our system is hyper-aroused. Examples of hyper-arousal include anxiety, aggression, a quickened heart rate and a pounding sensation in the head.
When our body is in a parasympathetic/dorsal vagal response (collapse, immobilization) our system takes the opposite effect from sympathetic and is hypo-aroused. Examples of hypo-arousal include shutting down, feeling helpless, depressed, isolated, lethargic or fatigued.
According to Polyvagal Theory, there’s a third state called parasympathetic/ventral vagal response. When our body is in this state, our system is regulated. Examples of regulation include having a clear and logical thought process, calmness, relaxed breathing and feeling connected to self and others.
Three Kids, Three Reactions to Back to School
Scenario #1:
Chris, 8 y/o: Lives in ongoing fear of being called on/called out by the teacher.
Behaviors: Anxious, defensive, worries about fitting in, talks fast, worries about grades, fidgety.
What’s happening in the nervous system: Chris’ nervous system is in a sympathetic response. He’s hyper-alert to danger and on guard.
Scenario #2:
Alex, 7 y/o: Prefers to lay low, away from others.
Behaviors: Depressed, shut down, lethargic, zoning out, flat affect.
What’s happening in the nervous system: Alex is in Parasympathetic/Dorsal Vagal Response, and likely experiencing feelings of isolation and out of his body.
Scenario #3:
Sam, 5 y/o: Participates in class, can share with ease, social, engaged, in the moment.
Behaviors: Relaxed, makes eye contact, flexible, aware of others, confident, curious.
What’s happening in the nervous system: Sam is in Parasympathetic/Ventral Vagal Response, grounded and giving all indications of feeling safe.
Help Your Child Connect And Regulate
Understanding your own nervous system is the first step in teaching your children about what’s happening with their nervous system. Think about where you normally show up within the above nervous system states. Are you hyper-alert? Do you shut down and check out? Are you present and grounded? While it’s not possible for humans to be regulated 100% of the time, it is possible to learn how to flow smoothly between these states and regulate your nervous system when in a freeze, flight, fight, collapse or immobilization state.
Look Beneath the Iceberg
What to do if your child is hanging out in a hyper-alert or hypo-alert state? Mona Delahooke, PhD, author of Brain-Body Parenting, suggests that parents look beneath a child’s behavior for intel about what’s happening internally for the child, similar to looking beneath an iceberg. As mentioned earlier, there could be sensory factors or concrete triggers at play that are being overlooked and without a deeper dive will be challenging to pinpoint. I highly recommend Mona’s book for a step by step guide on getting to the root cause of your child’s behavior in a way that builds connection.
Parent as Wifi Router, Child as Device
Second, a child’s ability to self-regulate starts with the caretaker. There's an analogy that child therapists including myself, are excited to share with caretakers, although the source is unknown:
Imagine you’re a wifi router. Your child is the device that’s trying to connect to you. If the wifi router (parent) is calm with green lights, your child (device) can connect. If the wifi router (parent) is in and out with red lights or completely offline, your child (device) won’t be able to connect and may get frustrated, anxious or angry because there isn’t confidence in being able to connect. Unpredictability increases angst.
Keep in mind that the quickest way to escalate a child’s behavior is when there is no wifi signal, meaning, when a parent is dysregulated. It’s understandable for any of us to get a bit frantic when we can’t connect to our wifi router. We need our wifi router to stay connected to our work, our families, our lives. According to Lisa Dion, LPC, RPT-S, a child will amp up behaviors until an authentic response is received. She states that being calm doesn't necessarily mean being regulated. When parents are dysregulated, but “acting as if,” kids will sense the mismatch and will continue to act out. Ask yourself how stable a connection you provide to your child. If it’s less stable than you’d like, take steps to give yourself what you need to be more connected.
Parents need to connect with their kids to fully support them through challenging back to school experiences. It starts with you. I encourage you to choose connection over separation. Likewise, as adults, we need to care for ourselves in order to be able to support our kids. Seek out the support of a compassionate therapist for you and your family as you move forward.
Be kind to yourself, child raising is often challenging! And couldn’t we all benefit from looking beneath our behaviors?
Until next month… Ginny
If you’re having a mental health emergency, please dial 911 and/or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, Available 24 hours. Call 1-800-273-8255
Ginny Paige, LCSW
Ginny Paige is a therapist in New York and Vermont. She specializes in supporting adults and children who are struggling to manage life’s changes.