When Everyday Transitions Feel Big - Part 1: Adults
A cartoon taped to the staff lounge wall at the community mental health center where I began my career often came to mind if I grappled with an unexpected transition (aka change) to my schedule or job duties. It was a sketch of a diaper-clad, crying infant paired with Mark Twain’s quote, “The Only Person Who Likes Change is a Baby with a Wet Diaper.” strategically placed, looming from wherever I sat. In other words, change is tough.
Do you wonder why it’s hard to go with the flow, even when you know what the flow is? Difficulty leaving home or work? Do transitions, expected or unexpected, throw you for a loop?
This blog post talks about those “seemingly small” transitions that are part of life, yet somehow feel triggering. I list examples of transitions from infancy through adulthood, discuss potential reasons we get stuck and offer suggestions to move through tough moments with more ease.
Transitions Abound
A transition is defined as the period of change as we move from one experience/situation to the next. Transitions take many forms and are happening from the moment we enter the world. Transitions keep us moving forward in life, although at times, it may feel like the opposite. In addition to the transitions that make up our daily routine at home or work, we experience developmental transitions:
Infants and toddlers experience transitions around sleep, diet, teething, weaning and potty training, to name just a few.
Preschoolers are presented with multiple transitions as they begin to interact in the world, including separating from and reuniting with caregivers; lining up with peers, beginning and ending activities; sharing, cleaning up, changing rooms, waiting, even communicating needs (going to the bathroom or to the school nurse).
As little ones become young adults, even more transitions appear, including adjusting to the first and last day of school, vacations, changing schools, graduations, college and/or full-time employment, and increased financial responsibilities.
By the time we reach adulthood, we’ve likely mastered some of these transitions yet, there are others that continue to trip us up. Those stuck points will look different for each of us, but overall, the question becomes, why? What’s happening internally that causes us to react so negatively to change?
The Four Threats of the Brain: How Each Might Impact Transition
Lisa Dion, LCSW, RPT-S describes four threats that our brain experiences that can affect our responses. I’ve found that these threats often manifest when people struggle with transition:
Physical Safety is the highest priority that our brain has and includes anything that could potentially register as harmful or dangerous. Physical safety concerns show up as a fear of being physically harmed. As of the time of this writing, Covid-19 and other viruses that cause concern are impacting responses.
Perceptions of the Unknown can cause us to feel threatened, not because of the unknown itself but our perception of it. Our brains like to make sense of what we don’t understand, so we draw on our history of associations and search for experiences that are connected or will give us insight about what to expect. As we look back, our brain hyper-focuses on similar experiences that didn’t go well. We then make an assumption about how the current situation will play out.
Many of us can relate to worrying about how badly an experience will play out and it doesn’t. When we focus on what could go wrong versus what could go right, we needlessly induce emotional and physical distress and lose precious time that could have been used more productively.Incongruence in the environment happens when we encounter a situation that doesn’t add up or make sense. When our brain perceives a challenge or threat, we go on high alert, for example, when someone says one thing and does another or says, “I’m fine”, but presents as highly agitated. Additionally, a mismatch often happens when there are secrets. We have a felt sense that something is off but we don’t know what.
Shoulds and Unmet Expectations that we put on ourselves and others register in the brain as a threat or challenge. It’s best described as an internal battle between how things are versus how things should be. When we “should'' ourselves, we receive the message, “You’re not ok as you are.”
Why Do You Struggle?
On one hand, there isn’t always a childhood experience to explain why you’re struggling with a situation. Life is constantly happening and sometimes our trigger is more current, for example, an unreasonable boss or less than ideal timing of our schedule.
On the other hand, sometimes the source of our struggle has its roots in the past. Working with a kind and compassionate mental health care professional can make the unclear clear and offer a roadmap to healing and wellbeing.
Moving Through Transitions: Tips for Adults
Give yourself plenty of time to ease into the transition. Gently prepare yourself for as much time as you need (or is possible with your schedule) by incorporating one or more of the following into your routine:
Develop a Mindfulness Practice. Mindfulness uses our five senses to get into the present moment. Moving through transitions using a mindfulness technique can slow down the energy of the moment and help ease you into and through a transition.
Time Management. This is easier said than done, especially if you have a busy schedule. Try organizing your work the evening before, remove one non time-sensitive task or appointment from your calendar to provide some breathing room. Shop online instead of battling lines and traffic. Reduce time spent scrolling, unless what you’re viewing is positive and relaxing to your nervous system.
Organizational Skills. Take advantage of online tools for your calendar, tasks and storage. But only if you regularly check in and update your progress. Otherwise, there’s nothing wrong with a tried and true paper planner. If you’re storing your paper, limit to one filing cabinet. Make a list of reminders, whether electronic or on paper.
Remember Times When Transitions Were Smooth. Here’s a great opportunity to manage perceptions of the unknown. Keep in mind the transitions that went according to plan. And if this hasn’t yet been your experience, keep working on the above points and seek out a compassionate and skilled psychotherapist to discover and/or process the root of the distress around transitions. Talk therapy, as well as EMDR therapy is a solid tool to help get you to the root of your distress, so that it can be reprocessed and integrated.
Start small. Choosing even one of the above can free up bandwidth. Be kind to yourself. We live in an over-scheduled world, but making room for even a small shift is a great start.
Next blog post, I’ll talk about helping your child with transitions.
Until then…Ginny
If you’re having a mental health emergency, please dial 911 and/or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, Available 24 hours. Call 1-800-273-8255
Ginny Paige, LCSW
Ginny Paige is a therapist in New York and Vermont. She specializes in supporting adults and children who are struggling to manage life’s changes.