When Everyday Transitions Feel Big - Part 2: Kids
Continuing from last month’s blog post, “When Everyday Transitions Feel Big, Part 1: Adults” this month’s focus is about kids who struggle with day-to-day transitions/changes and how you can help your little move through them with more ease.
Let’s review the many transitions that humans experience, starting from the moment we enter the world. While some littles transition seamlessly, others are thrown for a loop. Reasons for transition troubles vary, but unexpected changes to routine and a lack of routine are frequent culprits. Read on…
From A Kid’s POV:
Over the years, kids have shared anxious feelings with me about having no idea that a transition/change was coming and little or no support adjusting to it. Some kids noticed that their caretaker was stressed, often with eyes glued to their cell phone and no explanation to the child about the transition beyond, “Hurry, we’re going to be late”, or “It’s time to go, stop what you’re doing NOW.” The result is often a dysregulated child.
So, what’s happening?
Nervous System 101
From a nervous system perspective, an upset child is likely experiencing one of two responses:
Sympathetic response, categorized as freeze, flight or fight. Hyper-arousal symptoms such as anxiety, aggression, overwhelm or defensiveness are in play.
Parasympathetic response, categorized as collapse. Hypo-arousal symptoms such as depression, zoning out, helplessness or no motivation are in play.
As caretakers, we do our very best to move ourselves and our children through difficult moments. It can be challenging to accept that kids aren’t acting out on purpose, but rather, expressing that all is not well in their nervous system. These kids likely need your help getting their brain/system back online.
Building on potential reasons kids get dysregulated by transition, in last month’s blog, Lisa Dion, LCSW, RPT-S described four threats to the brain (anchor link to Jan blog). I’ve found that these threats often overlap with children who struggle with transition.
What to Do? Communication and Structure As Tools
When I’m supporting my child clients, I offer the utmost care and attention to help little ones adapt to an upcoming transition, such as starting and ending our sessions. We may have a handshake that we created together, a particular conversation (what we had for lunch today) or dance time as we ease into our session. I then explain what our time together will look like. Sometimes, I have a planned activity and I also provide plenty of space for the child to lead. Both allow a child to transition smoothly. I often don’t know how a session will unfold, but I can share the structure and what I do know. Kids appreciate the information, even if presenting as uninterested.
It’s also helpful when caretakers communicate the structure of what’s coming even when all is not clear. Information is a wonderful tool to help regulate a child’s nervous system.
Additional Tips
More suggestions to keep your child moving and grooving through transitions:
Clear, Detailed Communication: One of many ways to create structure might be to say something like, “We’ll be leaving tomorrow morning at 8am and these are the things that will happen before 8am: getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing your teeth and packing your backpack.” Morning of: “We’ll be leaving in an hour, so I’ll need you to get dressed in 10 minutes. Once that happens, we’ll eat breakfast for 20 minutes. I’ll keep you on track so you have plenty of time to brush your teeth and pack your backpack. How does that sound? Let’s work together to keep things moving.”
Provide a visual of expected tasks of the above on the refrigerator. Or have a daily checklist that your child can mark progress on.
Establish a ritual for transitions, for example a saying, dance, song, rhyme or game. The idea is to build a connection between these rituals and a particular transition, such as going to school, activities, going to a caretaker’s house who the child doesn’t live with, doing homework, starting and stopping device time, etc.
Help your child fill the time during transition periods, i.e. holding a grounding object (small stuffie or a comfort rock/stone) or practicing a mindfulness activity.
Assume a timekeeper role.
Kids thrive on structure and routine, even if they complain!
Be patient and move slow! Some kids need more time to process and adjust to transition.
A kind and compassionate Registered Play Therapist can help!
Until next month…Ginny
If you’re having a mental health emergency, please dial 911 and/or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, Available 24 hours. Call 1-800-273-8255
Ginny Paige, LCSW
Ginny Paige is a therapist in New York and Vermont. She specializes in supporting adults and children who are struggling to manage life’s changes.