Five Ways to Instill Healthy Boundaries For Your Children
Parents and caretakers who bring their children to see me to address boundary challenges quickly realize that I’m a huge advocate of also involving them in the therapy process. This is partly because caretakers tend to underestimate their ability to support their littles. Confidence can falter, especially in moments of dysregulation for both caretaker and child. And at a certain point, the focus becomes, “Please fix my child’s bad behavior.”
While it’s true that objective, professional support is valuable and can help turn things in a positive direction, it’s also true that parents play an essential role in implementing and maintaining positive change - otherwise, it’s unlikely that any meaningful shifts will stick. My role as the child’s therapist includes serving as a teacher and guide to the family, first and foremost helping caretakers look beneath their child’s behaviors.
Staying in the Lines
A boundary is a metaphorical line that you draw around yourself as a parent. It defines where you end and where your child begins. It’s the limit regarding your level of comfort with your child’s actions - what you’re willing to tolerate and not. By setting clear and consistent boundaries with your child, you’re teaching a necessary and priceless social skill. A child who doesn’t know or understand boundaries is essentially helpless in the world. Unaddressed, this gap can result in unhealthy and conflicted relationships that continue through adulthood, often for life.
Striking a Balance
The stakes are high - we live in a world filled with reinforcements for good behavior and consequences for not so good behavior. Of course, every parent wants the former for their child, but finding the balance between too strict and too lenient can be easier said than done.
One way this gets tricky is when life stressors take center stage. As parents, we do the best we can in the moment, but a compromised mindset can result in allowing a broader boundary than we know is okay. As much as we may not want to acknowledge it, another struggle can be that sometimes we just don’t know what to do.
Even in families where routine and consistency prevail, I often find an area where a boundary can be tweaked. The good news is that caretakers have the opportunity to reset when a mark is missed. In the therapy world, we call it rupture and repair. When there’s a rupture, there’s also an opportunity for repair, which can rebuild and strengthen the relationship, sometimes stronger than before.
Getting on Track: Setting Healthy Boundaries with Your Kids
Following are five suggestions to help navigate boundary setting with more ease:
1. Start early! It’s not unusual for caretakers to experience boundary setting as easier during the first several years of their child’s life. Giving directives to not take another child’s toy, wait your turn and don’t hit or yell at others feels concrete and doable, but it’s risky to assume you’re in the clear once these basics are in place. It’s a great start, but teaching boundaries needs to continue as the child develops.
Soon enough, kids also need to absorb the importance of respecting self and others by learning how to set their own boundaries. Teaching this skill might feel challenging for a caregiver whose own comfort level with setting boundaries and assertiveness is low. Be aware of this dynamic. I offer supportive resources later in this post.
Continue your child’s learning through conversations, activities, drawings and games that present your child with various boundary setting scenarios i.e.,”What are some ways you could let Katie know that you're uncomfortable when she yells in your ear?” or “How do you think John felt when you bumped into him on purpose?” Teach awareness, empathy and appropriate words and tone to resolve.
2. Set Up Your Child For Success. Do your best to create social opportunities outside of school. If ongoing play dates with peers aren’t realistic, consider bringing your child to the playground, or if budget allows, enroll your child in a weekly art, movement or music class. Provide a safe space at home for your child to share how these social interactions are experienced. Aim for balance between allowing children to find their own way versus gentle feedback that can benefit future social interactions.
3. Be the change you’re seeking in your child. Kids observe and soak up the essence of your exchanges and energy, even if you’re certain this isn’t the case. Modeling appropriate and healthy boundaries is key.
Ask yourself: How do you interact with the people and pets in your life? If you have a partner, what do those interactions look like? Do you model respectful behavior and appropriate boundaries with family members? Friends? Colleagues? Store employees and food servers?
Noticing and recalibrating, as needed, regarding how you present yourself to the world will go a long way with increasing your child’s boundary awareness. Your child’s understanding of how to treat others is influenced by you.
4. Look within. Building on point #3, teaching your child the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior often involves reflecting on how you view boundaries and if this varies from how you expect your child to view boundaries. Ask yourself: Are you comfortable setting boundaries? How did you experience your parent’s/caretaker’s boundary setting? Are you over or under compensating as an adult? Do you respect your own boundaries?
5. Up your parenting game. There’s no shame in seeking support and increasing your parenting knowledge. Whether this is your youngest, oldest or only child, there’s something to be gained by speaking with a skilled and compassionate therapist about boundary challenges that might show up
Another option is to seek out parenting classes and/or a supportive parenting community. My personal favorite is Mona Delahooke, PhD’s Brain-Body Parenting Collective. Enrollments are on a rolling basis and I encourage you to sign up for the next offering. Or if you prefer to work on your own, check out Dr. Delahooke’s books, blog, podcast and videos.
Until next month…Ginny
If you’re having a mental health emergency, please dial 911 and/or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, Available 24 hours. Call 1-800-273-8255
Ginny Paige, LCSW
Ginny Paige is a therapist in New York and Vermont. She specializes in supporting adults and children who are struggling to manage life’s changes.